my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
