You can't special order awesome
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
