when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
