i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are