I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.