Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.