He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
