yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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