Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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