are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
