today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
