Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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