don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
