the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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