maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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