Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
