New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
