you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
