No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
