this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your penis caused this!
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