um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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