I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
