He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
