I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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