Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
