friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
