True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
