I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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