dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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