The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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