I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
