I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
