I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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