i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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