im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
