if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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