I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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