I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took a bar mat shot.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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