Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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