Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
