if you like me you must not know who I am
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
