Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
