After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
