It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
