fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
tell me about the eggs
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