Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
