Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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