i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
