sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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