I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
