he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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