so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
