It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
