Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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