I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
