K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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