What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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