please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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