my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
